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Transcript for Highway to Havarti

Narrator: It’s a beautiful day to be on the open road, and no one’s enjoying it more than the Botsford family, because they’re going on vacation..

(Scene: a deserted stretch of highway. Mr. and Mrs. Botsford, Becky, Bob and TJ are driving through an area that looks like the southwest United States. There are mountains, cacti and a noticeable lack of greenery. Pool accessories are strapped to the top of the car.)

TJ: I can’t wait to get to the water park!

(Bob chirps in agreement.)

Mrs. Botsford: I’m just looking forward to some leisure time with my family.

Mr. Botsford: Well, what do you say we get this party started with some tunes!

(Becky has a look of disgust at the thought of singing songs.)

TJ: Alright! I pick the radio station!

Mr. Botsford: Ha! Radio? I don’t think-y so! Ready everyone? She’ll-- be--

Mr. and Mrs. Botsford: (together) --Comin’ round the mountain when she comes (when she comes)--

Mr. and Mrs. Botsford and TJ: (together) --She’ll be comin’ round the mountain when she comes--

Mr. Botsford: I can’t hear you Becky!

Mr. and Mrs. Botsford and TJ: (together) -- She’ll be comin’ round the mountain, she’ll be comin’ round the mountain, she’ll be comin’ round the mountain when she comes!

Becky: Guys-- please--

Mr. and Mrs. Botsford and TJ: (together) She’ll be drivin’ six white horses when she comes--

Mr. Botsford: --she’s almost here!

Mr. and Mrs. Botsford and TJ: (together) She’ll be drivin’ six white horses when she comes--

Mr. Botsford: --wait she should be here by now!

Mr. and Mrs. Botsford and TJ: (together) She’ll be drivin’ six white horses, she’ll be drivin’ six white horses, she’ll be drivin’ six white horses when she comes!

Mr. Botsford: Oh-ho, that’s a song!

(They drive past Chuck the Evil Sandwich-Making Guy, who is trying to hitchhike.)


Narrator: Meanwhile, back in the city, the notorious Dr. Two-Brains is conducting a dangerous experiment!

(Scene: Dr. Two-Brains’ lair. One of the windows is blown out by something. We then move to the inside of the lair.)

Dr. Two-Brains: Oh, drat! I never thought creating a cheddar-provo-swiss super sandwich cheese could be so hard! Hmm… let’s triple the amount of dynamite and give it another try.

Henchman 1: Uh, we’re exhausted, boss!

Dr. Two-Brains: Excuse me?

Henchman 1: All we do is work. We never get any leisure time!

Dr. Two-Brains: Leisure ti--?

Henchman 1: We need a vacation. We want to go fishing.

Dr. Two-Brains: I don’t see how fishing will expand your appreciation of cheese and cheese-related products!

Henchman 1: That’s the point, boss. We want to spend time together away from work. That means no cheese and no evil rays.

Dr. Two-Brains: (with a sarcastic tone) Oooooh, and we can have a little tea party and write in our little diaries and ride little ponies and--

(The henchmen act excited at the thought of doing all of this. Two-Brains stops and stares at them in disbelief.)

Dr. Two-Brains: (after a pause) Oh fine, we’ll go fishing. (walks away with his hand on his face.)

Henchman 1: (to Charlie) Do you think the ponies will scare the fish?

Charlie shrugs.)


(Scene: inside Two-Brains’ mouse blimp, a little later. Charlie and Henchman 1 are dressed in fishing gear, and Two-Brains is piloting the blimp. After an awkward silence, he tries to break the ice.)

Dr. Two-Brains: So, uh, how about those, uh, professional athletics… sports, with the teams, and the scores… right?

Henchman 1: Yeah… they sure are.

(After an awkward pause, Two-Brains goes back to flying the blimp.)

Henchman 1: Hey, let’s play "I Spy!"

Dr. Two-Brains: Oh please, no.

Henchman 1: I spy with my little eye, something blue. It’s the sky!

(Two-Brains covers his ears.)

Henchman 1: I spy… something yellow. The sun! I spy with my little eye, something clear. The window!


Narrator: Meanwhile, Becky Botsford’s road trip isn’t going much better.

(The balloon passes over the Botsford’s family vehicle, and the scene shifts to inside the car. Mr. Botsford is still singing songs, and Becky is getting more frustrated.)

Becky: Ugh… if I have to spend one more second in this car, I’m gonna go berserk!

(Bob chatters at her.)

Becky: Berserk, you know, wild or crazy, as in this ridiculously slow ride is driving me berserk!

(Mr. Botsford pulls up to a rest stop along the road. As soon as the car stops, Becky rushes to get out. She grabs Bob and takes him with her. The others get out of the car and stretch.)

Becky: See you later.

Mrs. Botsford: Okay, but hurry back!


(Scene: back in the blimp.)

Henchman 1: I spy with my little eye, something white. That cloud!

Dr. Two-Brains: Ugh! Your spying skills are really going to waste as an evil henchman! Oh, when are we gonna get there?

Henchman 1: I spy with my little eye, something yellow. That sign!

(They all look down and see the sign for the rest stop that the Botsfords pulled into.)

Dr. Two-Brains: (reading the sign) “Big Bill’s Gas-er-up. Yes, we have helium.” Ooh, haha, we need helium! And a break. Hang on, boys.

(He steers the blimp toward the store. The owner of the store runs out to watch.)

Store Owner: A blimp! Ha, and they said I was crazy to cater to non-rigid airships! Well, who’s laughing now?


Narrator: Inside the rest stop…

(Scene: at the checkout counter, Mr. Botsford is busy making a life-changing decision.)

Mr. Botsford: Beef jerky-- no, turkey jerky-- no, beef jerky!

(A commercial comes onto the TV.)

Announcer: Do you like cheese?

Mr. Botsford: Well, sure!

Announcer: How about exhibitions?

Mr. Botsford: DO I?

Announcer: How about things that are international?

Mr. Botsford: (laughs) International? Yes!

Announcer: Then come on down to the International Cheese Exhibition!

(From the next aisle, Dr. Two-Brains, who has been shopping for snacks inside the store, looks up at the TV with a wrapper in his mouth.)

Dr. Two-Brains: Hmmph?

(Becky looks back and sees him.)

Becky: Dr. Two-Brains? (whispering to Bob) What is HE doing here?

Announcer: That’s right, the International Cheese Exhibition, featuring world-renowned cheese master David Driscoll!

Dr. Two-Brains: D-D-D-D-David Driscoll?! THE David Driscoll?

Mr. Botsford: Where on earth is this incredible event taking place?

Announcer: This incredible event is taking place just three hundred miles north-northeast of Big Bill’s Gas-o-rama! That’s two hundred fifty-eight miles due north, if you’re traveling by blimp.

Dr. Two-Brains: Hmm! If I can get to that International Cheese Exhibition, I can grab the David Driscoll, bring him back to my lab, and force him to make my cheddar-provo-swiss cheese!

Mr. Botsford: (to Becky) You coming, honey?

Becky: I- I’ll be right there. I promised Bob I’d-- help him memorize all the license plates in the parking lot.

Mr. Botsford: Ooh, sounds like fun!

Becky: Okay. (She sneaks off with Bob.)

(Two-Brains steps up to the counter to pay for his snacks, and WordGirl and Huggy fly in front of him.)

WordGirl: Not so fast, Dr. Two-Brains! I know about your evil plan.

Dr. Two-Brains: Evil plan? What evil plan? I-I’m on… vacation! With my henchmen. I mean, they begged me for some leisure time, but honestly WordGirl, if I have to spend another second with those two, I’m gonna go--

Dr. Two-Brain and WordGirl: (together) BERSERK!

WordGirl: I know!

Dr. Two-Brains: I mean, the constant blabbering…

WordGirl: The annoying games…

Dr. Two-Brains: The songs…

WordGirl: Oh, the songs and verses and the rounds…

Dr. Two-Brains: Ugh, it’s-- it’s like you were there.

TJ: (offscreen) Becky! We’re about to start a round of “I’m going on a picnic!”

(Huggy whimpers)

WordGirl: Ugh-- what’s that, Huggy? We have to go because there’s a fire in the old-- fireplace? (She points to Two-Brains with a menacing look.) See you at the cheese exhibition! (She flies off with Huggy.)

Dr. Two-Brains: Ooh, but if I get there first, you WON’T see cheese master David Driscoll!


Narrator: Moments later…

(Scene: inside the gondola of the blimp. The henchmen are preparing their fishing gear. Two-Brains walks in.)

Dr. Two-Brains: So, uh, how much do you guys really want to go fishing?

Henchman 1: More than anything in the world, boss!

Dr. Two-Brains: Good, ‘cause we’re going to the International Cheese Exhibition.

Henchman 1: Wh-what?

Dr. Two-Brains: David Driscoll’s going to be there!

(No reaction.)

Dr. Two-Brains: David Driscoll? Never heard of him, huh? How can you be in the cheese business and not have heard of David Driscoll? Don’t you see? We can grab Driscoll, bring him back to the lab, and force him to concoct my cheddar-provo-swiss super sandwich cheese!

Henchman 1: But you said we could go fishing!

Dr. Two-Brains: Oh, fishing, schmishing! What am I supposed to do, put three separate pieces of cheese on my sandwich like some sort of cro-magnon neanderthal?

(He walks off. Charlie starts to cry.)

Henchman 1: Oh, Charlie. Don’t cry.


Narrator: Back in the Botsford-mobile…

Mr. Botsford: Hey, everybody, great news! Instead of going straight to the water park like we all planned, we’re gonna take a little detour and visit the International Cheese Exhibition! Huh?

TJ: Whaaat?

Mr. Botsford: And guess who’s going to be there? David Driscoll!

TJ: But what about the water park? I’ve been wearing my bathing suit since Tuesday!

Mrs. Botsford: Ohh…

TJ: What?

Becky: Hey, don’t worry TJ, the exhibition’s going to be great! Yeah, what do say we hurry up and get there, huh? Uh, hey Dad, here’s a fun game-- let’s pretend we’re racing a blimp to the cheese exhibition!

Mr. Botsford: Becky, now you know how I feel about blimp racing.

Mrs. Botsford: Who’s ready for a song?

Becky: Dad, can we please pick it up a bit?

(Cars are lined up behind the Botsfords honking their horns.)

Mr. Botsford: I’m excited to get to the exhibition too, honey, but you know my policy. (singing) If you really want to enjoy a drive, take the speed limit and divide by five! Ha ha ha! We could be here all day!

(A truck passes them, with Chuck sitting in the passenger seat. He and the driver glare at Mr. Botsford. The truck driver blows his horn again.)

Mr. Botsford: I applaud your work ethic! Ha-ha-ha-ha!


(Scene: Later in the day. Two-Brains’ blimp is shown descending on the cheese exhibition, at the same time that the Botsfords pull up and go inside. Mr. and Mrs. Botsford and TJ go through the door.)

Mr. Botsford: Wow! An exhibit on the untold story of cheese curd? We are not wasting another second!

(They run toward the exhibit, as Becky and Bob come through the door. As they walk around, a fishing line and hook comes down from above. Becky and Bob look up and see it is from Two-Brains’ blimp.)

Becky: Uh, Bob and I are going to check out the cottage... cheese sculptures of famous astronauts, we’ll catch up with you later!

(The rest of the family are busy eating cheese samples.)

Mr. Botsford: Sounds good!

(Becky and Bob run toward a phone booth to change, but it is being used by Beehive lady.)

Mr. Botsford: Oh! There he is!

Mrs. Botsford: Cheese master David Driscoll!

(The two of them grab TJ and run toward the stage. David Driscoll is about to speak, but the fishing hook comes up behind him and snags his shirt, and Two-Brains pulls him up.)

David Driscoll: Why does every lecture I do end the same way?

(Becky is waiting frantically by the phone booth, and finally Beehive lady finishes and walks out. Becky and Bob run inside and emerge as WordGirl and Huggy.)

WordGirl: Word UP!

(They take off toward the blimp, where Two-Brains is struggling to reel in David Driscoll. He finally manages to get him into the blimp.)

Dr. Two-Brains: Oh hi, THE David Driscoll! You, my friend, are coming back to my lair, where you’ll have no choice but to work around the clock to make my new super cheese! Ha-ha-ha! But first, could you autograph this?

David Driscoll: Well how do you want me to make it out?

Dr. Two-Brains: Could you put, “To my good friend, Dr. Two-Brains?”

David Driscoll: I don’t know if I’d call us friends, I mean I barely even know you. Plus, your plan to force me to work around the clock isn’t exactly putting you at the top of my buddy list.

Dr. Two-Brains: Okay, fine. How about, “Dr. Two-Brains, keep on rockin’”, with like three exclamation points, please?

David Driscoll: Three? Seems a little excessive…

(WordGirl bursts through the side of the gondola.)

WordGirl: Stop right there, Dr. Two-Brains! You can kiss your cheesy plan gouda-bye!

(She snickers at her clever word play, and Huggy shakes his head.)

Dr. Two-Brains: Ha ha ha. That is the funniest joke I’ve ever heard. You know that puns are the lowest form of comedy?

WordGirl: Really? I heard sarcasm was.

Dr. Two-Brains: Oooh, then it must be true-- ‘cause you’re the greatest genius ever to walk the earth! Cheese her-- I mean, seize her!

Henchman 1: Nu-huh. That sounds like work. And this trip was supposed to be about leisure, meaning no work, just fun.

WordGirl: He’s right. That’s what leisure means.

Dr. Two-Brains: Yeah-yeah-yeah, thanks for the vocabulary help, WordGirl, I couldn’t have explained it without you. Now, come on, henchmen! What if I promise to, I don’t know, take you fishing?

Henchman 1: Yeah, we’ve heard that before.

Dr. Two-Brains: Fine, I’ll seize her myself!

(He leaps at WordGirl, but she simply snaps her finger against his nose, knocking him down.)

Dr. Two-Brains: Hows about a little help?

(The henchmen remain sitting with their arms crossed. Seeing that he isn’t going to get help from them, Two-Brains grabs fishing pole and casts it at WordGirl. She catches it, and yanks him towards her. Huggy holds up a tennis racket and jams it around him.)

Dr. Two-Brains: Rats!

WordGirl: Nice work, Huggy!

Dr. Two-Brains: NOOOO! I am forever cursed never to eat a single slice of cheese made with a combination of cheddar, provolone and swiss!

David Driscoll: THAT'S what this is all about? Why don’t you just use a slice of each? That’s just lazy!

WordGirl: Looks like your vacation is over, Dr. Two-Brains!

Dr. Two-Brains: It wasn’t really a vaca-- oh…

Dr. Two-Brains and WordGirl: (together) Sarcasm. Yeah.

WordGIrl: Alright, Huggy. Take ‘er down!

(Soon WordGirl starts to ponder what is happening with her family. The scene cut back briefly to the cheese exhibition, where they are getting their picture taken next to a cheese-shaped mascot. Then the scene cuts back to the blimp.)

WordGirl: (to Huggy) Uh, on second thought, don’t rush!

Narrator: Well, a trip that was supposed to be leisure for Becky Botsford turned out to be anything but for WordGirl. Fortunately, the Botsford family did make it to the water park.

(This is followed by snapshots of members of the Botsford family having fun on the water rides, followed by a snapshot of Chuck who is standing next to a Sphinx-like structure with a sandwich head, and one of the henchmen holding up a fish and an octopus that they have caught.)

Narrator: Try not to go berserk when you tune in next time for another thrilling adventure of WordGirl!

(The final snapshot shows Two-Brains dressed in prison garb, breaking rocks.)

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